I've learned something this past month, beyond hearing it and knowing it's true, rather than having it actually happen to me.
Sometimes God says no.
I know, I know. I should know this by now.
But I've never really had Him tell me no quite so bluntly and clearly, and then back up His answer with so many sound reasons; reasons that he showed me.
You see, after dinner with the aforementioned boy, I felt odd. I felt just, at war with myself. If this was supposed to be, why did I feel so awful?
I brushed it off and just assumed it was me getting nervous about it actually happening.
I prayed, after dinner, "Lord, if these feelings aren't of you, take them away. I don't want anything to do with them if they're not what you want."
The next morning, all desire to have a boyfriend who was that serious, to be in a relationship, to be dating, was gone. I had no urge to text him. The only explanation for it was Christ. My heart was changed overnight; I went to bed dreaming of his adorable face and woke up wishing I didn't have to deal with this right now.
I'm still asking Him why, but He gave me some clarity at a party this weekend. No one is ready for such a fast moving, intense relationship at 17 these days. I wish we were; that's how God created it to be; us to marry and have kids young, but the reality is that's not how it works anymore.
I'm an old soul, as you all know. I don't think like the average 17 year old (most of the time) and I rarely relate with other "average" 17 year olds. Teens in general, to be honest. But I digress; I'm an old soul, and he is too, to an extent, but he still has a long way to go before he's ready to take on the hurricane that is Ruthanne, not because he's necessarily immature, but because he's 17. I want a man, y'all. I don't want a boy who can shave. I want a man who will pick up his cross daily and bear it; knowing it won't always be easy. I want someone who will accept me for everything I am; good and bad, and I want someone who I can love everything about, because the person they are is so much more than their flaws, and they know who they are in Christ.
He just isn't there. And it breaks my heart; it was too good to be true, right now. But sometimes, He says no.
That being said, there is no perfect time to jump into a relationship. If the Lord brings you to it, He will bring you through it. But I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that He is telling me no right now. And it's so amazing how one triumph in one struggle brings you to a new struggle; I'm content with being single and "free" right now, really, really, really content, and I can't go or do anything yet. I'm still stuck here, waiting for Him to give me my next move. But it's all part of His plan for my life. The growing pains that come with getting older.